Do you ever have those days where you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough? I'm having one of those days today. Maybe it's simply because I'm a very paranoid person, but I have this constant feeling that some of the people I know are pulling the wool over my eyes. My friends may be nice to me and laugh at my lame sense of humor, but I have days like today where I feel like it's just one big ruse, and they don't actually want anything to do with me. This happens surprisingly frequently for me; I'll convince myself several of my friends secretly hate me or find me exceptionally annoying (even if they don't) and I'll cut them out of my life without any explanation. This probably makes me a horrible person, but I do it to protect myself and others. In my life I have been hurt so many times, it would seem only natural for me to try and stop the torment before it happens. But what if the people I cut out still want to be friends? Am I hurting people without knowing it? That's the problem... I won't talk to them, and then one day I'm gone. It's such a juvenile thing to do; running away from everything and starting fresh somewhere else. But it always happens. Maybe this process is somewhat amplified because I don't have anyone to put my mind at rest. I don't have anyone to hug me, pat my hair and reassure me that it's all in my head, or firmly slap me out of whatever funk I'm in. So essentially it all boils down to trust. I don't trust anybody. Isn't that sad? No, it's not. It's ridiculous. But seriously? I don't trust any of my friends? And it's not like my friends shouldn't be trusted, my friends are kind, smart, friendly, hilarious, fantastically lovely people but for some reason I don't trust that they like me as much as I like them. I just don't know how to fix this. I just want to esc, as usual.
Do you ever have those days where you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough? I'm having one of those days today. Maybe it's simply because I'm a very paranoid person, but I have this constant feeling that some of the people I know are pulling the wool over my eyes. My friends may be nice to me and laugh at my lame sense of humor, but I have days like today where I feel like it's just one big ruse, and they don't actually want anything to do with me. This happens surprisingly frequently for me; I'll convince myself several of my friends secretly hate me or find me exceptionally annoying (even if they don't) and I'll cut them out of my life without any explanation. This probably makes me a horrible person, but I do it to protect myself and others. In my life I have been hurt so many times, it would seem only natural for me to try and stop the torment before it happens. But what if the people I cut out still want to be friends? Am I hurting people without knowing it? That's the problem... I won't talk to them, and then one day I'm gone. It's such a juvenile thing to do; running away from everything and starting fresh somewhere else. But it always happens. Maybe this process is somewhat amplified because I don't have anyone to put my mind at rest. I don't have anyone to hug me, pat my hair and reassure me that it's all in my head, or firmly slap me out of whatever funk I'm in. So essentially it all boils down to trust. I don't trust anybody. Isn't that sad? No, it's not. It's ridiculous. But seriously? I don't trust any of my friends? And it's not like my friends shouldn't be trusted, my friends are kind, smart, friendly, hilarious, fantastically lovely people but for some reason I don't trust that they like me as much as I like them. I just don't know how to fix this. I just want to esc, as usual.
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