REAL BEAUTY!!!

I rarely get this emotionally attached to a television show, but after viewing the season finale of America's Next Top Model Cycle 10 I can hardly express the rush of sheer elation I felt when Whitney was announced as the winner.
I burst into tears of joy when her name was called, pumping my fists in the air and thinking, "Finally! Finally they have recognized real beauty for what it really is!"Whitney is the first full-figured model to win ANTM, and I couldn't be prouder of her. She is smart, confident, naturally sexy, and undeniably beautiful.
Yet, toward the end of the season, Whitney began to reveal a more vulnerable side to her generally tough-skinned personality. She expressed how difficult it has been for her to grow up in a culture that is obsessed with skinny. Whitney confided that she was always convinced that there was something wrong with her, and saw through all the backhanded compliments dished out at her. I am aware that the reason why I was rooting for Whitney, and why I was so overjoyed when she finally won, is because I can fully relate to her somewhat battered self-esteem.
For the past 20-odd years, it has been a struggle to look in the mirror every morning. I'll stare back at the reflection wishing it wasn't a mirror, but rather a model of clay that I could mold, shape and manipulate into something slimmer, something prettier, something better. Thanks to the wonders of Photoshop, I tend to do this on a daily basis. Despite the temporary satisfaction I feel after editing a photo of myself into something slightly more aesthetically acceptable, there's still that mirror lurking around ready to bring my self-esteem and self-respect crashing back down. I don't know if this is the reason why I love photography so much. I love being able to elicit curiosity in the mundane, beauty in mediocrity, while producing images I can feel proud of. I think my photography is also one of the few things I'm ever really praised for (or rather, praise myself for), so maybe that's another reason I'm so innately drawn to it. I digress...
Despite criticism, I think Whitney is an incredibly talented and wonderful ROLE model in addition to being a TOP model, and she has truly inspired me to try to find in myself the confidence that she has fought so hard to achieve.
Congratulations, Whitney! Your success is well deserved!

My Adjusted Top 10 Albums Of 2007

I rated my Top 10 Albums for The Cord last week, but since I only had a couple hours to review and rate 365 days worth of great new music, I have decided to make a few changes. So here is my new list, enjoy!

1. Ratatat - Remixes Vol.2
It’s no mystery that I’m crazy about Ratatat. This mixtape of rap and hip-hop remixes are spectacularly revamped, only further fueling my love affair with the rocktronic duo. You’re probably thinking, “It can’t get any better than this.” Well it can, and it has! It’s free. Get it at www.ratatatmusic.com … get it now. Like, right now. Now. Do it.

2. Justice - Cross
It's kind of what would happen if the Chemical Brothers had a baby with Ratatat, and that baby's name was Justice.

3. Dragonette - Galore
So many piping hot tracks! I love this album, I feel like it could easily be a soundtrack for a bitchin' movie or play... it's very theatrical.

4. Elliott Smith - New Moon
Obviously, this isn’t “new” music, but the tracks spread across the two discs are great. He may be gone, but it's amazing that his music is still living on and it's better than ever. Really great acoustic guitar tracks. It's like a heartbroken From a Basement on a Hill.

5. Daft Punk - Alive 2007
Harder, better, faster, stronger... but actually.


6. LCD Soundsystem – Sound of Silver
This is a really uplifting album for me; it’s a really great mix of sounds to fit whatever musical mood I’m feeling.

7. Caribou – Andorra
I saw Dan Snaith at Starlight back in September, and it was one of the most amazing shows I’ve ever seen. The album is equally as mind-blowing.

8. Radiohead - In Rainbows
Really clean and polished compared to their last couple of albums, but equally as brilliant. I really like it when musicians take the time to do an album right.

9. Les Savy Fav – Let’s Stay Friends
After a six-year hiatus, it’s nice to hear from LSF again. The album kind of has an all-star cast, with contributions from Metric’s Emily Haines and The Unicorn’s Nick Thornburn. Welcome back, friends.

10. Feist – The Reminder
I wish I was her. That’s all.

hold your horses!

For the past few weeks I have noticed a remarkable amount of people commenting on how quickly autumn seems to be breezing by. Consequently, I have been in a state of sheer denial for the past few weeks as well, therefore I would simply nod in agreement without giving it much thought every time someone would proclaim, "Fall sure is flying by, eh!?"
It wasn't until I was driving back to Waterloo this past Saturday morning when I noticed the flagrant abundance of auburn leaves blustering over the country roads that I moved quickly from denial to anger (à la Kübler-Ross grief cycle).
Now I am mostly upset because I feel like I accomplished absolutely nothing this past summer, and am continuing to repeat the same level of under achievement, despite being well into the semester at school.
Of course while I'm dealing with all these feelings of failure, I must also decide what I'm going to do with my life next year. Do I attempt to start a career? Do I go to another school? Grad school even? Or do I bum out and continue serving cappuccinos for years to come?
So many of my friends who are at the same stage in life seem to have it all figured out, yet I remain hopelessly ambivalent toward my future.
A few weeks ago I was being given the tour of a friend's new apartment which she recently moved into with her boyfriend. Because my friend now has a well-paying job, she has been able to purchase higher caliber furniture and appliances for their humble abode.
Jealousy would boil more rapidly in me with every curtain rod, lamp shade, and decorative coffee table bowl I was introduced to. Considering the fact that I'm only really used to the furnishings of the student ghetto (which generally include particle board rubbish from ikea, toasters and microwaves purchased at yard sales, and the questionable chair picked up from the side of the road that is probably swimming in tetanus), I was quite envious of their set-up.
Although I managed to remain composed while the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head in my conscious during this tour, it wasn't until I was shown the kitchen that I thought I might actually launch myself out the window toward the pavement below.
My friend pointed out a stunning black kitchen table set that stood in a sun-drenched nook of the kitchen and casually stated, "It was pretty expensive, but I see it as an investment because our kids can have breakfast at it, know what I mean?"
Thankfully I did not blurt out the reactionary sentence, "NO! I don't know what you mean! Kids?! Are you mental?!" Instead I nodded respectfully, saving my stifled cries of frustration for the drive home.
But seriously? Am I really supposed to be thinking about where my children will be cramming Cap'n Crunch in their faces? I don't think so. Nevertheless, I despise the thought that as an adult, I am going to have to eventually think about these things, whether it's what scholarly path I take in the next few months, or where to buy a house in a few years.
Maybe I'm just suffering from what I would call 'peterpanitis', i.e. really not wanting to grow up. Especially because I am approaching my 22nd year of being single, I am becoming increasingly aware of all the people my age that are moving in with their significant other, getting married, settling down, and even breeding. It's freaking me out, man!
Every time I hear someone discussing marriage and babies, I retch a little bit, then imagine myself as some tragic cat lady whose diet consists primarily of wine.
Is this really what the world has in store for me? Am I so hopeless that I can't dream about attaining an enviable yuppie lifestyle? This is all so ridiculous, I can hardly take it anymore. Somebody please, just buy me five cats and ship me off to a condo in Never Neverland.

"a good friend stabs you in the front" - oscar wilde

Do you ever have those days where you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough? I'm having one of those days today. Maybe it's simply because I'm a very paranoid person, but I have this constant feeling that some of the people I know are pulling the wool over my eyes. My friends may be nice to me and laugh at my lame sense of humor, but I have days like today where I feel like it's just one big ruse, and they don't actually want anything to do with me. This happens surprisingly frequently for me; I'll convince myself several of my friends secretly hate me or find me exceptionally annoying (even if they don't) and I'll cut them out of my life without any explanation. This probably makes me a horrible person, but I do it to protect myself and others. In my life I have been hurt so many times, it would seem only natural for me to try and stop the torment before it happens. But what if the people I cut out still want to be friends? Am I hurting people without knowing it? That's the problem... I won't talk to them, and then one day I'm gone. It's such a juvenile thing to do; running away from everything and starting fresh somewhere else. But it always happens. Maybe this process is somewhat amplified because I don't have anyone to put my mind at rest. I don't have anyone to hug me, pat my hair and reassure me that it's all in my head, or firmly slap me out of whatever funk I'm in. So essentially it all boils down to trust. I don't trust anybody. Isn't that sad? No, it's not. It's ridiculous. But seriously? I don't trust any of my friends? And it's not like my friends shouldn't be trusted, my friends are kind, smart, friendly, hilarious, fantastically lovely people but for some reason I don't trust that they like me as much as I like them. I just don't know how to fix this. I just want to esc, as usual.

get up i get down

So, a few weeks ago I posted a note on Facebook that listed a few goals that would contribute to my becoming a better person, should I accomplish them. So far, I feel that I've been doing a good job at working towards them.
Of these goals, the one that has been very important to me has been going green. I have been taking steps to reducing my impact on the environment such as buying a bike and taking it places instead of driving, using reusable bags when i go grocery shopping, buying organic products, using post-consumer products like PC Green paper towel and toilet paper, replacing light bulbs with the energy efficient variety, and washing my clothes only in cold water.
However, upon reading this article in The New York Times I felt that my goal towards being a greener person was missing a key ingredient: anti-consumption.
In the article, Williams argues that while eco-friendly shopping may be fashionable, it isn't the solution to climate change. Although Williams is referring to the slightly more extravagant purchasing of green products such as Armani biodegradable knit shirts and $104,000 Lexus hybrids, his primary argument seems to be that the consumption of eco-friendly products is not what being green is about. Anti-consumption is the way to go, and I concur wholeheartedly with Williams in this respect. Although my own actions toward being green are certainly not detrimental by any means, this article made me realize that I really need to cut back on how much i consume. I'm going to try and follow a few of Williams' suggestions presented in a related article, and maybe do my own little things like darning socks instead of just throwing them away. Anyway, I just thought I'd share my green thoughts and seek out your opinions. Green!

I WANT A PANDA DOG!!!

oddly hilarious dream

i love having those dreams that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. you wake up and with a raised eyebrow thinking, "O...K..." I enjoy trying to analyze the content to see if it signifies anything in my life (a la Freud).
Last night I dreamt that I was on a holiday with a couple people that I met in Australia and a few friends from Waterloo and we were having fun around a pool at one point that had about 20 various inflatable animals in it (crocodile, shark, killer whale, etc...) Then we were all in a car and got in an accident, and when I "woke up" in my dream from having been in the accident Will Ferrell was in the hospital bed next to me. For some reason I wanted to seduce him so I was trying to gently to wake him up while wearing a Starbucks apron and nothing else. Then, realizing how embarrassingly ridiculous I was being, I started to panic and frantically attempted to cover my shame. Then I woke up.
You see? Absolutely no sense whatsoever. It was pretty funny, but just so random. What do the inflatable animals in the pool mean? does the car accident symbolize anything? why were my friends from Australia there? Will Ferrell!?!? Anyway, I just thought I'd share this story... after all it is quite random. Do any of you have some crazy dreams to share?